I just got this from Stephie (my sister):

"Thank you for sharing with me... and I am sorry for your sadness, not because I pity, but because I know that it is so hard/impossible to quantify, manage and change. I think too, that the disproportionality of it is strange. It's those random, small things like wanting someone to call, to grab coffee with, or just hang out, that seem to create a far greater emptiness than they seem to merit.

I hope that you get to a place where you want to talk to Steve about it, even if it is something that you have already talked about. It's hard though, right? He really can't do anything about it. He can share his friends, but they are still his... I don't know sweetie, what to say because I feel it too sometimes. I wonder too, if we are supposed to be of a certain temperament for our whole lives.

One of your gifts is profound sensitivity and I don't know that it is appreciated enough. Maybe part of what makes it so hard is that what you do is who you are. That sounds trite, but I mean that there isn't a separation between your work, your ideals, your love of reading, your marriage. I think this is the way we are meant to be but a lot of us have wandered far from that and have constructed too many different "selves". I love you Lynnie and I wish I could help more. But I know that it is about more than just having me around to email and talk to.

Lately I have been feeling like a can opener. Random, I know. But it seems to be the one thing everyone has in their junk drawer. It's multifunctional and very practical, but no one gives you one as a "cool" gift. You don't show it off. It's really good for opening sensible things like tomato soup and green beans, but nothing exciting. Maybe I feel more like a mule, steady (and thick) strong, and definitely not on any little girl's wish list. But man am I reliable! This last week I got a whole slew of compliments about how consistent I am, how reliable, how organized. I know I shouldn't complain, but I have interesting ideas too sometimes. And sometimes I would rather not have the burden of predictability. No one wonders what I am going to do, or whether I'm ok. Sometimes it seems like having me in someone's life must be easy since there is no extra energy required. It's so self-centered of me.

Ok, enough of that. Thank you so much for writing.

I appreciate and love you so much and am always here for you (reliability guaranteed, just for you .

Stephie"


I couldn’t sleep last night – for about two hours after 1:30 when Tibby always wakes me up if the bedroom door is open. He jumps up and snuggles, while doing the face-mash that he does. I love it, but it does wake me up. Ripple has been sleeping so well on the bed with us. I love it – I love it because I would hate for her to be in the mud room all night and then all day while we’re gone.

Missy called last night and it was nice to talk to her, but so…uncomfortable…strange…as well. Just talking to her reminds me of how close my college girlfriends used to be and how far from that things are now. Which I don’t’ know if I’m any closer to accepting. Maybe I am. And Missy never fails to ask – So, you seen the girls lately? I feel awkward, ashamed saying “no” – and then resent the way I feel. The bottom line is that I felt sad after talking to her and that’s all I could think about last night when I was awake. I went through the exercises of ferreting out my “automatic thoughts” which were “I am of less worth without the friendships of my college girlfriends.” “In someone’s estimation (who? Just people?) I am lame for not having those friendships.” “I must not deserve friendship.” All of which I can counter with rational responses to some degree. But it isn’t necessarily helping. I am willing to keep trying, though. I suppose the rational responses are: “My worth as a human being is not dependent on how many friends I have. The quality of my life might improve if I had close girlfriends, but I am not a better or worse human being for this.” “I can’t read people’s minds – I don’t know if someone is judging me and finding me deficient because of this issue. I don’t even know who ‘they’ are. And even if someone is thinking badly of me, so what? It is not the end of the world.” “I do deserve friendship, but so does everyone.” Okay, that last one doesn’t ring true to me. Or doesn’t effectively counter the automatic thought. Hmmm. Perhaps, “Just because I’m a judgmental person, doesn’t mean everyone else is.” Okay, that’s more accurate but I don’t believe it yet.

I keep coming back to the underlying assumption I have that I expect life to be sad. I’ve always had sadness so I think of sadness as a condition of life, of living. I could be wrong, but who is to say? Perhaps for me, life does have its undercurrents of sadness. Should I try to change that? I don’t know.

I can tell Steve is wondering what I’ve been thinking the past few days. He has asked me several times if I’ve written in my journal. I told him I write in a journal after he asked what I was working on the computer. And he has mentioned once or twice that he wants me to be able to talk to him. I like that, because there are time when frankly, I don’t think he’s interested. But I’m in a strange place right now so I haven’t opened up to him. I guess I think I’ve already told him most of the things that bother/concern me, that occupy my thoughts. I don’t know. I’m not pushing him away, but I sense that he has been waiting for me to open up.

Its only 9am.

We’re going to his friend’s house for brunch this Sunday, which means I’ll miss church, which I’m disappointed about, but I also want to see Todd, Skye, and their new baby. I really enjoy Steve’s friends. I don’t know if he knows how lucky he is.

I hate Lotus Notes.

I emailed Kathy and Colleen from DCI to see if they could do lunch sometime soon. I miss my old colleagues so much. They are a such a far cry from crazy zealots that surround me now. Ugghh. I need to stop that. I really do.

I did get one idea from Missy last night, although inadvertently. I need to join a book club. I read all the time and would love to be in a group to discuss books. I just don’t know the best way to find and join one. I’ll work on that.