Its after dinner now - I feel better, I think. I cried for a bit and just gutted it out. I am full, but very much looking forward to a)my ice cream bar and cookies later and b)church tomorrow. Something is up with S - I don't know if its him or me. TBD.

When I feel very sad or scared, I have a song I sing and it dates back to being 10 years old in Africa - its "Jesus, name above all names, blessed redemeer, glorious Lord, Emmanuel, God is with us, something something, Living Word." Isn't that funny - its not the religious contnent of the song so much (I've used this during my most non-religious/spiritual moments) but it must hold some charm from childhood.
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Today is Saturday. It is dreary out and cold and I’m am frantically depressed. Sounds oxymoronic, doesn’t it, but there is a panicky sense to my feeling down. It’s a very strange and unpleasant feeling. I’ve had it before, but not for a while. It’s the feeling that I need to do something but there is.nothing.to.do. Which isn’t true, of course - what’s true is that there is nothing that I want to do.

Steve went to a friend’s house last night and stayed there (it’s a ways away) and didn’t get home today until almost noon. I don’t think I’m mad at him for that. Lord knows I don’t want to be, just on principle -but maybe I am. I think I want to pick a fight with him. That wouldn’t be very mature or loving of me, would it?

Part of this feeling is the intense urge to drink and smoke. Not one by itself but both. The urge means that I want something pretty badly to dull the way I’m feeling. Neither are an option, but I will admit that I am profoundly discouraged that its been nearly a year since I drank and smoked regularly and to feel the urge this powerfully is…discouraging. Frustrating. I have that I-want-to-escape feeling.

I’ve been trying to figure out my automatic thoughts. Let’s see - I’ve felt off kilter since last night, but it was especially strong when I went out today to look at a library I’ve never been to. I was driving and that’s when the feeling was strongest. I suppose my automatic thoughts (that’s a David Burns term) were: “My life is empty and pointless. I am very hungry. There is nothing fun to do. I need to take advantage of weekends. I must relax on weekends. The weekend is almost over and I haven’t relaxed.” I can see the distortions already. Overgeneratlization, personalization, discounting the positive. Miraculously, there isn’t a “mind reading or fortune telling” thought there. My rational responses are “I can’t just make myself relax, and being upset about it won’t help any. There is still a day and a half left of the weekend. And what’ so bad about Monday coming? I’ve actually not minded my weeks lately. It isn’t fun getting up in the morning, but its never been fun. There are fun things to do, I just can’t think of any right now. I may need to just wait out this feeling. I can cry a bit if I want to. I am hungry - going down to 1300 calories is a bit challenging, but I’m doing this for a reason that will benefit me in the long run.”

I had such holiday spirit yesterday - perhaps feeling down after that “high” isn’t so unusually. I have always wondered if I don’t have very mild manic/depression. Very mild, but there, none the less. It would account for the coping mechanisms I have developed that weren’t very healthy for me.

I think I will do some household tasks and perhaps I will feel better later on.

I worked out today, so I’m especially surprised at how I feel - usually exercise really helps my anxiety and depression.

I'm going to go work on feeling better. I'm going to trust that this something I just need to gut out and am not going to feel bad that I feel bad. Its okay that I feel bad.