S is a good, good man. Just when I'm ready to be really sad or confused or angry with him, he shows me these flashes of pure understanding, pure mind reading. We had the beginnings of a serious conversation last night - I just knew something was bothering him and afer I opened up a conversation about finances (our finances are totally separate which is comfortable to me, but not tenable long term) by asking him a) how he is doing financially with not working and paying for all the real estate classes and b) suggesting we open a joint checking account so he has access to my money. He said that he had been doing a lot of thinking about money and starting a family and wanted to talk about it next weekend if we could. He said that he had been thinking about it a lot but needs to think about it more and that he has to make himself think about these things or he wouldn't. (Side note - I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT. AT ALL. I DO NOT GET IT. It makes me feel like I'm the only one concerned with our future. I know that isn't true - but what.the.hell. I do not understand men sometimes.) I said that I would be happy to talk about it next weekend, knowing that he will probably say he doesn't want us to get pregnant any time soon. But I will cross that bridge when and if he says that. It will break my heart.

Later on, he said that he worries about me because I think so much. That he wants me to be able to talk to him about what I'm thinking, that he is aware there is a reason that I don't and that it makes him feel badly that he hasn't encouraged me to be more open with him. It was very, very sweet and very, very intuitive of him. I thanked him for telling me that and said I would work on sharing more of my thoughts with him.

It was a rough weekend but finding out that he was doing some thinking explained a lot of the strained atmosphere.