I'm at a very strange point right now. I've never been this way, I don't think. I was so restless this weekend and so far this week, I've had to fill my evenings to make it through until bedtime. I usually don't have any trouble filling the evenings, but yesterday and today I had to work at it. Either I'm super productive, or something is amiss. Am I worried? Am I...what? I have no idea. I still don't have a very good attention span (this is common in ex smokers), but this is excessive. For one, the attention span should be getting better, not worse. For another it will be a year on February 2nd since I quit. Is that it? I can't figure it out. Tonigth I've worked out, make dinner, walked the dog, washed the dishes, taken a shower, and journaled. And its only 9:20pm.

I found out today that the woman who reported to me as a shift supervisor at my last job was fired for stealing money from the ladies who live at the group home. I was agast. I can't beleive it - I knew she had emotional problems and she wasn't very bright or disciplined, but to steal! Apparently, from what my old supervisor can tell, she waited until I left and used the time between full time managers to steal this money. I feel badly for saying that my first thought was, "Thank God I'm not working there." It would've fallen on my shoulders. I wouldn't have been fired for it assuming I had no knowlege, but that company was a company full of people as judgemental as I am, so I know what people would have been thinking. Isn't that just horrrendous? Those poor, poor ladies. The only bright spot is that obviously all the checks and balances are working for this to have been caught right away. I can be thankful for that. I hope charges are pressed.

S set up the humidifyer. And the smell reminds me of the first winter I lived in my house and I thought about that often today. The sheer joy I had of owning a home - knowing that no one coould come in without my welcoming them. That fierce independence. I was at my best during that first year of living in this house, that first year of my separation and divorce. And then Allied betrayed me and I began to have panic attacks and drink too much and spent a year or two not appreciating my house or my independence. I love S and I'm thrilled we are married and living together, but there are times when I miss the solitude of living alone - the not having to be accountable. For anything. To anyone. With that said, I have a secret. And my secret is that I am "running away" for 3 days in January. It will be a "work" trip. I've got it planned and nearly finalized. I'm going to spend the time reading and eating and listening to music and being along in a hotel room. I love being alone in hotel rooms. I love the privacy and annonimity. I know that very shortly my life may not allow for this type of thing, so I'm doing it now, while I can. I can't wait.

S is still thinking, I can tell. I'm going to crawl into bed and see if I can make him feel better.