I didn't have time to journal today and I'm so wiped out right now that I don't think I'll write much. I don't know why I'm so drained - work was busy but not awful. Working out was no harder than usual. Strange.

Poor S won't really be able to start working until the end of January. Real estate is strange - its so not like a 8-5 job. He is antsy and ready to get going but he can't do too much right now. I am a bit worried about financies, but he has assured me repeatedly that he will let me know when/if he needs money. I swear he is able to grow money on trees, because he hasn't had an income in, what, 3 monhts, and he is still doing fine. And no credit card debt. Its impressive. You'd never know we were married if you looked at our finances. We have nothing joint. Nothing.

I am low on cals today so I am looking forward to yet another ice cream indulence. I love ice cream. Mmmmm.

I wanted to write-think about Jay's thoughts on religion and our place in the cosmic scheme of things and maybe some of my onion-layers, but I can't make my head focus.

I did have a moment of sheer happiness in my body and self while working out - and I think I realized why I look back at college so fondly. Part of it is the friends that I had and now miss, but a lot of it is that I felt that feeling all. the. time. All the time. What a corny phrase, but I was high on being alive. On who I was. I don't know what happened to me between about 23 and 28. I don't - I mean, I can thing of incidences and situations that made me very unhappy, but nothing that invidiually I hadn't dealt with. Truly. One sided relationship with my exhusband, significant weight gain, divorce, betrayal at work, alcohol dependence, working at a job that I wasn't happy at, quiting smoking and drinking. Yes, they don't sound fun as a group, but I really thought I wokred through each one as it arose. I know I still have heartache about my divorce, but more from a personal perspective - meaning more from what it meant about me and what I think happened, than the divorce itself. I'm not stating that as clearly as I feel it. It all comes back to why I care so much about the light in which I'm viewed by other people. Or more accurately, that ideal observer who isn't out there in reality but who feels real to me. The disembodied, ideal observer. Who is this observer and why do I care what he/she/it thinks. And its not the Divine. I assure you.

Agh. See? I start delving even when I'm exhausted. This is what the drinking stopped - the thinking. It was a relief. Don't let anyone tell you alcohol doesn't serve a lovely purpose.

There is purpose to this, though. I feel like "it" is just out of my reach but that if I explore enough, I'll touch it and it will make a world of difference and have much meaning.

Off to shower, the forums, and ice cream.