I got home about 10am yesterday and since I hadn't been feeling super energetic or frankly, healthy, I didn't do anything yesterday except take a 3 hour nap, join the neighbor for a glass of wine, and go out to dinner with S. It was a nice day.

On Friday I really realized how much this time away was not what I was wanting it to be - becvause I was looking for something that never really existed anyway - I have this image in my head/heart of the way I felt before S moved it - when I could be as lazy and unhealthy (both physically and emotionallY) as I wanted to be with and the reality is that is that the reality just doesn't live up to my memory of it. I knew, even on Friday, that it would be hard for me to maintain the convinction of how I was feeling (that this wasn't necessary and wasn't as great as I thought it would be) but even now I can feel that sense of conviction slipping away. At least I'm aware of it. But its amazing to me how strongly I felt that I wouldn't be needing this time again soon, and I can still feel a tug to do it again right now. I don't understand it.

I don't want to sound like I didn't enjoy myself - I did - but it not nearly to the extent that I expected to and not to the extent of leaving S and Ripple for three nights. That was a bit too long.

I had tons of good thoughts, though - about where I'm at and how I feel, in general - I think I may actually enjoy being 30 as much as people have told me I would. I'm ready for the next step in my life, whatever that may turn out to be. Being pregnant, if I'm fortunate. Otherwise, who knows?

I missed S and Ripple and the kitties. And CK -