LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog
Sunday, Feb 6 2005
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Its 4:11am - I can't sleep. I've been up since 2am. I had to take the dog out, and then couldn't get back to sleep. I watched TV for a bit, realized that U2 is touring soon, went online to find tickets, only to find out that they aren't coming to Mpls at least on this summer's leg, cleaned out my email, emailed work about a few things I can't forget to do, logged yesterday's cals, responded to a few posts, and traded good mornings with Mo.
S and I went to see Sideways. I really liked it. What I really liked, as much as the story itself, was how real the characters looked. No airbrushing. Minimum female nudity and tons of male nudity. That's rare. It was refreshing.
S and I spoke a bit about Sarah, his ex girlfriend and AJ, my ex-husband. He would like us to sell our old rings and do something fun with the money. I'm all for it. I finally asked him if he had ever actually been engaged to Sarah, and he said he hadn't, but that they had exchanged promise rings and talked quite a bit about it. I had assumed that but never asked. Then he asked me if I had actually walked in on AJ and what's-her-name - God, I can't remember her name Anyway, I was surprised at the question, because AJ never physically cheated on me, so I don't know how S got that idea. (AJ thougth he had feelings for a women he worked with - he told me and essentially, that was the end - he never pursued a relationship with this women and is married to someone else now - the issue was us, our marriage, not this other woman.) S and I talked about it a bit - rather, I did. I did finally tell him that I've been thinking about "that time" a lot lately. Thats how I refer to it, in my haed and speaking. That time means not having to say divorce or AJ. He just doesn't know how to help me - what I would like is for him to show sympathy or concern beyond his very sincere statements that he just wants me to be happy. I know he means that. But, I would like for him to ask me about what I'm thinking. Not so much so I can just talk, but also so that I can get feedback and input on my thoughts and feelings. I volunteer as much as I can, in the interests of communication and because he has told me he wants me to talk whenever I want to. But. Men and women are different. At least S and I are. We each give the other what we ourselves would want, but what we want is different from what the other wants. What I want is a bit poor babys, and I love yous, and Im sorry you hurt, and hugs, and youre wonderful-s.
So. I feel a bit lost about AJ. I find I keep putting off writing that letter, as Jay suggested. I don't know why. Perhaps I'm waiting for what I think is the correct mindset. I don't think I'm avoiding any feelings about it, but maybe I am. I thought that I was always open to the feelings I had and have about that time, about him. I just deeply, deeply want to be done with them - the feelings, I mean. I believe that I should be beyond it by now.
I have been realizing that I feel jealousy often. Well - jealousy isn't quite the word - its not envy, or coveting, but the feeling doesn't have the malevolence that jealousy implies. Its jealousy without any desire to hurt someone else. I choose to ignore the feeling as often as I can because, frankly, I think its a horrible thing to be feeling. But - what CBT did teach me is that thinking I shouldn't feel a certain way isn't exactly helpful or productive. I suppose I try to ignore it because I also believe that this jealousy-minus-evil feeling is directly in proportion to insecurity and self doubt. And I'd rather not spend any more time on that. And there is a whole 'nother can-o-worms.
TMI - be warned.
All of this was going through my mind after the movie and while we were eating dinner and having a marguerhita. (Side note - I like that I can enjoy a drink on the weekend and not want one any other time). So, none of it explains why I had to, just had to, make love with S. To connect? Probably. Its how we talk, sometimes. Some of it might be to push him out of his self containment - make him be/act/feel involuntarily. Out of control. I want that too. I had an orgasm dream two nights ago - this time I was sliding down a rope. I think that the image my mind dreams is to push me over - I dont think the image causes the orgasm. Anyway, I dont think its been a rope before. I am realizing how un-imaginative I am, sexually. As it stands right now, I would never learn to do a strip dance for S, per the CK thread on this. It wouldnt occur to me. I wouldnt buy anything lingerie-wise. I havent decided if this is good or bad. I dont know. I am open, however, to things, sexually. Within limits. S doesnt seem to be quite as visual a man as most. He doesnt lie, and he has said as much - that porn and strippers, for example, really dont do much for him. I dont think hes being politic. I think he means it. But that may mean that its not that important to him what I look like. So I dont need to learn to lap dance or figure out teddies. We have passion and desire. And I look forward to having lots of time to explore what we are willing to explore. We will need to. Because its a big part of our connecting.
I wanted to go to church today - the series of sermons has been on purposeful living, which is very central to this congregation's beliefs, and has had a lot of relevancy to me. But I don't know if I will since I haven't slept and will hit a wall soon. I wish I could hit that wall right now.
***
Church was phenomenal. Just amazing. I am almost scared by how much I love this church and what it stands for. I am going to see if I can get a transcript of the sermon. Readings by Thomas Wolfe and Kahlil Gibran and the Dali Lama - amazing. I'm so glad we went. I have HUGE issues with the concept of orginal sin and this sermon was about how we have internalized that concept as a culture in the West to the extent that even if we reject it, its still in our psyche. And among tons of other things, how Buddist and other Eastern religions and philosophies can't understand our self hatred. Apparenlty the Dali Lama had to do a long survery of western thinkers to figure out what our self hatred is about. I kept saying, Eureka! Eureka! Eureka!
Today I am profoundly grateful for this Unitarian church and having found it. Profoundly. A emailed me that I am third of her most respected (her words) friends who has found the Unitarian church. I wish more people knew about it because I think it could be a home to many spiritual, deep thinking and feeling people who think there is no home for them.
S and I went to see Sideways. I really liked it. What I really liked, as much as the story itself, was how real the characters looked. No airbrushing. Minimum female nudity and tons of male nudity. That's rare. It was refreshing.
S and I spoke a bit about Sarah, his ex girlfriend and AJ, my ex-husband. He would like us to sell our old rings and do something fun with the money. I'm all for it. I finally asked him if he had ever actually been engaged to Sarah, and he said he hadn't, but that they had exchanged promise rings and talked quite a bit about it. I had assumed that but never asked. Then he asked me if I had actually walked in on AJ and what's-her-name - God, I can't remember her name Anyway, I was surprised at the question, because AJ never physically cheated on me, so I don't know how S got that idea. (AJ thougth he had feelings for a women he worked with - he told me and essentially, that was the end - he never pursued a relationship with this women and is married to someone else now - the issue was us, our marriage, not this other woman.) S and I talked about it a bit - rather, I did. I did finally tell him that I've been thinking about "that time" a lot lately. Thats how I refer to it, in my haed and speaking. That time means not having to say divorce or AJ. He just doesn't know how to help me - what I would like is for him to show sympathy or concern beyond his very sincere statements that he just wants me to be happy. I know he means that. But, I would like for him to ask me about what I'm thinking. Not so much so I can just talk, but also so that I can get feedback and input on my thoughts and feelings. I volunteer as much as I can, in the interests of communication and because he has told me he wants me to talk whenever I want to. But. Men and women are different. At least S and I are. We each give the other what we ourselves would want, but what we want is different from what the other wants. What I want is a bit poor babys, and I love yous, and Im sorry you hurt, and hugs, and youre wonderful-s.
So. I feel a bit lost about AJ. I find I keep putting off writing that letter, as Jay suggested. I don't know why. Perhaps I'm waiting for what I think is the correct mindset. I don't think I'm avoiding any feelings about it, but maybe I am. I thought that I was always open to the feelings I had and have about that time, about him. I just deeply, deeply want to be done with them - the feelings, I mean. I believe that I should be beyond it by now.
I have been realizing that I feel jealousy often. Well - jealousy isn't quite the word - its not envy, or coveting, but the feeling doesn't have the malevolence that jealousy implies. Its jealousy without any desire to hurt someone else. I choose to ignore the feeling as often as I can because, frankly, I think its a horrible thing to be feeling. But - what CBT did teach me is that thinking I shouldn't feel a certain way isn't exactly helpful or productive. I suppose I try to ignore it because I also believe that this jealousy-minus-evil feeling is directly in proportion to insecurity and self doubt. And I'd rather not spend any more time on that. And there is a whole 'nother can-o-worms.
TMI - be warned.
All of this was going through my mind after the movie and while we were eating dinner and having a marguerhita. (Side note - I like that I can enjoy a drink on the weekend and not want one any other time). So, none of it explains why I had to, just had to, make love with S. To connect? Probably. Its how we talk, sometimes. Some of it might be to push him out of his self containment - make him be/act/feel involuntarily. Out of control. I want that too. I had an orgasm dream two nights ago - this time I was sliding down a rope. I think that the image my mind dreams is to push me over - I dont think the image causes the orgasm. Anyway, I dont think its been a rope before. I am realizing how un-imaginative I am, sexually. As it stands right now, I would never learn to do a strip dance for S, per the CK thread on this. It wouldnt occur to me. I wouldnt buy anything lingerie-wise. I havent decided if this is good or bad. I dont know. I am open, however, to things, sexually. Within limits. S doesnt seem to be quite as visual a man as most. He doesnt lie, and he has said as much - that porn and strippers, for example, really dont do much for him. I dont think hes being politic. I think he means it. But that may mean that its not that important to him what I look like. So I dont need to learn to lap dance or figure out teddies. We have passion and desire. And I look forward to having lots of time to explore what we are willing to explore. We will need to. Because its a big part of our connecting.
I wanted to go to church today - the series of sermons has been on purposeful living, which is very central to this congregation's beliefs, and has had a lot of relevancy to me. But I don't know if I will since I haven't slept and will hit a wall soon. I wish I could hit that wall right now.
***
Church was phenomenal. Just amazing. I am almost scared by how much I love this church and what it stands for. I am going to see if I can get a transcript of the sermon. Readings by Thomas Wolfe and Kahlil Gibran and the Dali Lama - amazing. I'm so glad we went. I have HUGE issues with the concept of orginal sin and this sermon was about how we have internalized that concept as a culture in the West to the extent that even if we reject it, its still in our psyche. And among tons of other things, how Buddist and other Eastern religions and philosophies can't understand our self hatred. Apparenlty the Dali Lama had to do a long survery of western thinkers to figure out what our self hatred is about. I kept saying, Eureka! Eureka! Eureka!
Today I am profoundly grateful for this Unitarian church and having found it. Profoundly. A emailed me that I am third of her most respected (her words) friends who has found the Unitarian church. I wish more people knew about it because I think it could be a home to many spiritual, deep thinking and feeling people who think there is no home for them.
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