LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog
Sunday, Mar 13 2005
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
Tonight is the most normal I've felt in a week. I actually feel pretty good physically. Emotionally - that is a trainwreck right now.
In the interests of full disclosure I haven't been logging my food. I'm guessing I'm not too far above or below 1600, but guessing is what gets people - me - in trouble. So I will need to begin logging again. Assuming I still feel relatively normal this coming week, I will try to get to the gym at least three times. If all I do is 20-30 minutes, that is just fine. I am praying to feel good this week, because when I feel as badly as I did this past week, I can barely get dressed, much less log food or work out. Please, let me feel good this week. And if I don't, please give me the grace and patience to wait this out.
Emotionally - I am so full of frustration and sadness and anger that I can barely begin to analyze it. I feel very guilty for feeling this way. But feeling that guilt makes me even more angry, so around it goes. I am so angry at S right now. It seems that he has zero interest in this baby. Zero. He has not asked one question, or volunteered one thought about it since we found out. He doesn't seem happy about it. And I am so angry at him. So angry. I bought some books on amazon.com - and got him two - one humorous one about fatherhood and one more serious one. He seemed freaked out that I'd done that. As if it would kill him to learn something new. As if it was astoundingly unreasonable of me to put any kind of expectation on him. I'm so angry I am almost inarticulate. I will try to address this when I feel less furious, but I am also enraged that I should have to address this at all. He wanted to have children. He think children are wonderful. He loves his nieces and nephews. So what the f is his problem right now? And would it kill him to talk about it? Apparently. I swear, some day I am going to give him his wish and eliminate all verbal communication. He seems to think that is a perfectly reasonable modus operandi.
I know the above isn't healthy or productive. I know it isn't. But I can't be mature and pro-active all day every day. Some days I just can't. Today I can't. I just want my mother and sister close to me, and to have someone else shake S up and get his head out of his ass. I don't want to be the one to do it.
I want to run away. I want to be gone. I want to be away.
Where is the joy and love and hopefullness of this time? Where is it?
***
Shame on me. I spoke to S. He said he is very interested in me and the baby, but reserved because its so early still and something could go wrong. He said he doesn't want it to be the end of the world if I miscarry and we need to try again. That would explain his behavior. I had actually forgotten that was possibility - my NP told me that about 20% of pregnancies are miscarried, but rarely beyond the 10 week mark. I had shared that with S. What a little communication won't do.
In the interests of full disclosure I haven't been logging my food. I'm guessing I'm not too far above or below 1600, but guessing is what gets people - me - in trouble. So I will need to begin logging again. Assuming I still feel relatively normal this coming week, I will try to get to the gym at least three times. If all I do is 20-30 minutes, that is just fine. I am praying to feel good this week, because when I feel as badly as I did this past week, I can barely get dressed, much less log food or work out. Please, let me feel good this week. And if I don't, please give me the grace and patience to wait this out.
Emotionally - I am so full of frustration and sadness and anger that I can barely begin to analyze it. I feel very guilty for feeling this way. But feeling that guilt makes me even more angry, so around it goes. I am so angry at S right now. It seems that he has zero interest in this baby. Zero. He has not asked one question, or volunteered one thought about it since we found out. He doesn't seem happy about it. And I am so angry at him. So angry. I bought some books on amazon.com - and got him two - one humorous one about fatherhood and one more serious one. He seemed freaked out that I'd done that. As if it would kill him to learn something new. As if it was astoundingly unreasonable of me to put any kind of expectation on him. I'm so angry I am almost inarticulate. I will try to address this when I feel less furious, but I am also enraged that I should have to address this at all. He wanted to have children. He think children are wonderful. He loves his nieces and nephews. So what the f is his problem right now? And would it kill him to talk about it? Apparently. I swear, some day I am going to give him his wish and eliminate all verbal communication. He seems to think that is a perfectly reasonable modus operandi.
I know the above isn't healthy or productive. I know it isn't. But I can't be mature and pro-active all day every day. Some days I just can't. Today I can't. I just want my mother and sister close to me, and to have someone else shake S up and get his head out of his ass. I don't want to be the one to do it.
I want to run away. I want to be gone. I want to be away.
Where is the joy and love and hopefullness of this time? Where is it?
***
Shame on me. I spoke to S. He said he is very interested in me and the baby, but reserved because its so early still and something could go wrong. He said he doesn't want it to be the end of the world if I miscarry and we need to try again. That would explain his behavior. I had actually forgotten that was possibility - my NP told me that about 20% of pregnancies are miscarried, but rarely beyond the 10 week mark. I had shared that with S. What a little communication won't do.
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