I am in such a strange place right now - so full of highs and lows. And so. very. unmotivated. Unmotivated to work out, to clean, to organize, to plan. I keep telling myself - wait until you aren't sick - wait until you feel better. But - I got an email from Missy who is close to 30 weeks and is still sick. So, I need to realize I may not feel better and that continuing to put things off won't help at all if I don't feel better. I need to just do things.

I came home last night and cried for a bit. I miss my mother. I felt better later on, as I usually do after I cry. I am very loose, very disjointed, emotionally. Part of it is the weather - springtime and its smells are still (STILL) linked in my memory to spring in college when everything was a party and nothing needed to get done. It was time to play hookie and to be rebellious. And that's how I feel.

And I'm very irritable - or very easily hurt and frustrated. With S, especially, because he's the only person I'm near so much, except work people. He said tonight looking at MOnica's picture "I wouldn't guess she was a Dead fan." I had told him about her plan to name her daughter Stella Blue, which he thought was a wonderful idea. And so I snapped, "Do Dead fans look a certain way?" Thinking - does she need to be in tie dye or have dread locks? Lord. And, if I'm honest, I'm irritated that he's energetic. That he wants to rake the stupid yard. I realize he's home all day right now so he's more focused on house and yard work than I am, but no amount of rationality is going to help me right now.

And here is the most irritating thing of all - I hate the way I look in the pictures I took in Columbus. And its not that I look like an idiot that irritaes me - its that I think I look like an idiot that irritates me. Could my face be any fatter or my hair any limper? Or my skin any more uneven? I thought pregnant women were supposed to be beautiful. I'm working myself up to crying - I can feel it.

I feel like I'm 12 years old when everything hurts and there aren't any answers and I don't want to hear any solid or practical advice.

Maybe I'm sad, too, because I don't know when I'll see my CK girlfriends again - I don't think I can travel again before the baby comes (at least not on a plane) and I know that I may not want to travel after he/she is here. So - maybe I feel like that's it for a long time? And that does make me very sad - I know I can love them and laugh with them via email but it still makes me sad.