I just got back from Target, buying part of S's birthday present. He is very hard to shop for. He needs nothing and is very non-materialistic so there isn't much I can spoil him with.

We've been NOT communicating lately - the last two days or so. I do not know what is wrong on his end. I don't think anything is wrong on my end. I am a bit puzzled that he has been spending some money on things we don't need in light of the baby coming - he got a big fish aqarium and some fish, and a big case of wine on sale. I can't even drink the wine! He and I need to be much more honest that we are with each other but we are so concenred about hurting each ohther's feelings that we often don't speak the way we probably should.

I do want to talk with him about money and all the things we need to get for the baby. I had a moment of self pity when I realized the other day that I won't have a shower, I'm pretty sure. I don't think I'm close enough to coworkers; the college "friends" I have in town I'm not in touch with; my family is too far away; we don't know anyone at church. So - what that means is that we will need to be purchasing most of the baby stuff ourselves. Which is fine, but needs to be planned for. Especially with a new roof this summer.

The other thing I think about and want to talk to Steve about is our differing values. We have always known we differ on some things, but I think I need to talk about them more as we approach having the baby. Examples are that I value education very, very highly. Especially a liberal arts college education. S doesn't believe it is as critical as I do. I value chartiable donations and volunteering for causes I believe in, and S doesn't donate or volunteer. This doesn't mean he isn't generous - he is, but with people he knows. Steve value music much more than I do. He thinks the news is to be avoided - I think its my responsiblity as a citizen to be informed. We've always known and dealt with the down side of these differences but I want to be on the same page as we think about the baby.

And I need to face the insecurity I have that he will "take over" the baby, the way he has "taken over" the dog. As bald as that sounds, what I mean is that he is home with Ripple and over time has just taken over all the care giving. To be fair, part of that was me feeling so sick for a while there. And I am making a concerted effort to restablish myself as an active participant in house work, but I am scared. I realized that I'm asking him if Ripple should go out. I stopped that when I realized it, but still. I do not want find myself asking him if the baby needs to be changed.

I know he will be busier with his real estate work by the time the baby comes. And if I'm lucky, I'll be able to work part time. But I need to talk about with him - he may not need it, but I do.

I spoke to Molly yesterday which was both good and bad. Very good because its been so long and she was very sweet about the baby, etc. Bad because it reminded me that A's wedding is coming up, and Molly and her husband will be staying with me for that weekend. I would happily skip the wedding if I could. I don't want anything to do with A or K any more, I don't think. Maybe not even AS, either. Nothing about them makes me feel good and they/thinking about them only makes me feel badly.

The baby is 10 and 1/2 weeks along right now. Little walnut.

The smells of spring are bringing so many feelings and emotions with them.

Its wonderful to see my TessinTexas back! I've missed her very much.