I can take five minutes to journal before driving to work. I've been wanting to journal since yesterday, but work got busy and I just turn into a turnip when I get home so I didn't.

I could feel the waves of emotion yesterday after my lunch meeting with my CWFH. And oddly enough, I don't think she had anything to do with the way I felt. We were able to talk a bit honestly and it seems, if she is being truthful, that I misread her intentions completely. Like drastically. Part of the blame for that lies with me, of course, and my own insecurities, but the other part rests with her for being so poor at conveying her intentions. I've never met someone who pushes my buttons so expertly. She seems like a genuinely nice, if religiously zealous and intolerant, woman. She tried to witness to me several times during our conversation, which I appreciated as it allowed me to get to know her better, but which I also felt bit irritated by, for the obvious reasons. What irritated me is that I couldn't imagine her showing any interest in MY beliefs - just hers. But, perhaps I am imagining I can read her mind again. In any case, I think that situation will be better going forward.

And that of course made me think about how, somehow, I've managed to equate Christianity with bigotry and hatred. Which is problematic for several reasons - a) my parents are Christians and I've never met more open, loving people, b) I have become as intolerant of Christianity in general as I accuse others of being towards, say, gay people and women who want equality in our society, c) I forget the loving non-judgement that Christians like Jo, and Jackie, and MN Bob espouse, d) I shared many of those beliefs at one point in my life so I should be able to make bridges instead of conflict, but I also know first hand the pitfalls in self righteousness.

Somehow my CWFH is wrapped up in all of this.

I drove home from work yesterday and talked with Missy, my girlfriend in California who is about 20 weeks pregnant with her second boy. I got some good information from her on baby gear, etc. And that was the closest to her I've felt in ages, so I appreciated that. The result was to make me sad, though - or not sad, but to feel bitter-sweet.

I think I say "sad" when often what I mean is "moved" or very conscious of the bitter-sweetness of things.

When I got home I just sort of fell apart - I kept thinking that I wished I was conscious of the baby all the time - that I could hold it in my head and heart that I am having a baby. That I am a mother already. And I can't - hold that idea in my consciousness for any length of time. I get flashes, but it doesn't stay.

And the reason that I want this so badly is that I am having the hardest time I've ever had making healthy decisions. Ever. And this should be the time when its easiest to make those healthy decisions. I'm so confused and frustrated. I cannot get myself to the gym. I am not eating well. I don't know what is wrong. I kept thinking "when I'm not sick...when I'm not sick..." - well, I'm not sick any longer but I am not doing anything differently.

What execerbates things is that I look so fat and frumpy. WHich irritates me to no end, but that is exactly what is wrong with the women feel in general - we perceive our bodies from outside looking at us, rather than from how it feels on the inside to actually be ourselves - I LOOK fat / I LOOK frumpy - what about how I feel? Why isn't that a more important barometer to me? I hate that I imagine my body from outside looking at me rather than concentrating on what it feels like to BE IN MY SKIN. Shouldn't that be more important?

So all of these thoughts have been swirling and I can't focus my way through them.

Juxtapose this with the fact that I picked up the walnut's heart beat on the monitor that a coworker lent me last night!

So - I am just confused and and don't really know what to do with myself. How to make things better - how to feel more connected to what is happening inside me. How to feel as if I'm contributing to the running of our household, which I'm not except monetarily right now.

I had another eye-liner orgasm dream last night. Except I was awake and that is a first. I've had this same dream twice (well, the eyeliner part more often) - but its an army dream. I dream I am part of an army and that I always have to deal with disgusting bathrooms that are just....ew....it makes me sick to think about the imagery now from the dream. But there is usually a man I'm interested in who is a soldier, and several women friends. And after lots of danger and strange swimming and decorating episodes, I decide to put on makeup and then, voila! orgasm. And then I wake up. Or in last night's case - stay awake.