LYNNABEL's CalorieKing blog
Sunday, Jul 17 2005
View LYNNABEL's food & exercise for this day
I had a thought the other day that I wanted to write down to see if it held. S mentioned that he read somewhere that the woman race driver, Danica Something, who is having such a good racing season had been offered millions to pose for Playboy. I thought about it. I several reactions - one being, good lord, can't a woman do anything without being asked to get naked? And then I thought - no, wait - why can't or shouldn't she show/use/explore/exploit her sexuality? Its hers, after all. What bothers me is that for the most part, men still control the finances and commerce around a woman's sexuality. If women could gain some measure of control over the financial side of commercial sexuality, I might find it a bit less...what?...demeaning?...or trivializing?...of a woman's accomplishments that she accept a Playboy offer. Until women own their the profits from their commercial sexuality, I'm not sure its right to discuss the morality of it. I don't know. Still thinking about it.
I'm going to enjoy the deck while its still not raining. I think I'll write more later.
***
Several people have pointed out that Playboy, at least, is run by a woman. Is it strange or even accurate to say that it is a step in the right direction? I don't know. Its an interesting fact, though.
I think - unless I'm underinformed - that the porn movie industry is "still" generally run by men, isn't it? Maybe not. Maybe more women are running and profiting from erotic enterprises than I realize. Wouldn't that be interesting. Alicia asked me once what I thought about legalized prostitution. I am all for it if it means that that is the way women can have adequate protections in place - if legalizing it gives them rights as a worker, I am for it. If it gets them healthcare and access to a network that makes sure they are not victims, I am for it. It will happen no matter much people wish it wouldn't, so I would much rather give women a chance to lead a healthy life, take charge, and be safe.
I have had this reoccurring thought and somehow its connected to the above, that runs like this, "Its okay. Its okay. Every day awful teenage boys grow up to be good men who love and respect women and their gifts. Its okay. Its okay." Its as if I'm trying to reassure myself that no matter how awful adolescence is for both genders, many people grow up to ultimately have a good and respectful sense of themselves and others. I don't know what, exactly, my anxiety is about. Am I worried about my little boy? Am I worried about all the young girls and young women out there? Am I'm really talking to myself and how I still don't think I have a sense of who I am or what it means to be Lynn? I'm sure that's more it.
I have wondered so often how its possible for a woman who was raised by parents who never limited me based on gender, whose first boyfriend was the first feminist she knew, who went to a liberal college that gave her tons of exposure to both strong women and great men, whose first husband was, in many ways, the most supportive husband a woman could ask for, can still, at the ripe old age of 30, have this quagmire of doubt and second guessing and emptiness inside of her. I believe so strongly in women, in our power and gifts and faults and brilliance and ability to make the world so very rich, but I don't believe that about myself. I don't know how to marry the two. I am fairly certain that much of this stems from the reality that I have no one over-riding, huge gift or talent. There isn't one Big Thing for me to focus my energy and passion on. So, I end up with a little of many things all of which make me good at many things, but incredible at none so I can't see my niche. I used to think that just living and being a good person, as much as possible, was what I could do. And that's probably still true - but I can't quite make that be "enough." I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Perhaps being a mama will feel like the Big Thing. I don't know.
I'm all twisted up inside tonight. Is it from the wedding this weekend? It really wasn't that bad. In fact, at times, it was fun. I'll write about it more later, maybe. It was certainly a million times better than K's wedding. What is clawing up inside of me trying to get out? I feel absolutely in the dark.
I think I may just need to be a bit sad right now, ride out/through this sense of self-pointlessness, and look for goodness in me and the world tomorrow. Joy comes in the morning.
I'm going to enjoy the deck while its still not raining. I think I'll write more later.
***
Several people have pointed out that Playboy, at least, is run by a woman. Is it strange or even accurate to say that it is a step in the right direction? I don't know. Its an interesting fact, though.
I think - unless I'm underinformed - that the porn movie industry is "still" generally run by men, isn't it? Maybe not. Maybe more women are running and profiting from erotic enterprises than I realize. Wouldn't that be interesting. Alicia asked me once what I thought about legalized prostitution. I am all for it if it means that that is the way women can have adequate protections in place - if legalizing it gives them rights as a worker, I am for it. If it gets them healthcare and access to a network that makes sure they are not victims, I am for it. It will happen no matter much people wish it wouldn't, so I would much rather give women a chance to lead a healthy life, take charge, and be safe.
I have had this reoccurring thought and somehow its connected to the above, that runs like this, "Its okay. Its okay. Every day awful teenage boys grow up to be good men who love and respect women and their gifts. Its okay. Its okay." Its as if I'm trying to reassure myself that no matter how awful adolescence is for both genders, many people grow up to ultimately have a good and respectful sense of themselves and others. I don't know what, exactly, my anxiety is about. Am I worried about my little boy? Am I worried about all the young girls and young women out there? Am I'm really talking to myself and how I still don't think I have a sense of who I am or what it means to be Lynn? I'm sure that's more it.
I have wondered so often how its possible for a woman who was raised by parents who never limited me based on gender, whose first boyfriend was the first feminist she knew, who went to a liberal college that gave her tons of exposure to both strong women and great men, whose first husband was, in many ways, the most supportive husband a woman could ask for, can still, at the ripe old age of 30, have this quagmire of doubt and second guessing and emptiness inside of her. I believe so strongly in women, in our power and gifts and faults and brilliance and ability to make the world so very rich, but I don't believe that about myself. I don't know how to marry the two. I am fairly certain that much of this stems from the reality that I have no one over-riding, huge gift or talent. There isn't one Big Thing for me to focus my energy and passion on. So, I end up with a little of many things all of which make me good at many things, but incredible at none so I can't see my niche. I used to think that just living and being a good person, as much as possible, was what I could do. And that's probably still true - but I can't quite make that be "enough." I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Perhaps being a mama will feel like the Big Thing. I don't know.
I'm all twisted up inside tonight. Is it from the wedding this weekend? It really wasn't that bad. In fact, at times, it was fun. I'll write about it more later, maybe. It was certainly a million times better than K's wedding. What is clawing up inside of me trying to get out? I feel absolutely in the dark.
I think I may just need to be a bit sad right now, ride out/through this sense of self-pointlessness, and look for goodness in me and the world tomorrow. Joy comes in the morning.
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