Well, joy may not come in the morning, but a bit of calm, at least. I feel drained. I cried myself to sleep to and woke up with puffy eyes. I get so angry when I feel that way - angry at S, angry at myself, at the world. Its never seriously occurred to me before that I might have anger management issues, but perhaps I do. The thing, though, is that I rarely take this anger out on anyone else, so it only ends up hurting me. Which could be good or bad depending on how you look at it. I think the anger stems from not asking for or stating what I want. I get so angry at S because of the way the bed feels to me because the bed is "his" area - but I haven't asked for or requested that it be changed. So, is it fair of me to be angry? Hardly.

So - what to do?

1. Be more aware of and vocal about what I want and/or need.

2. Know that once the baby is born and it is safe to do so, that I can look into taking Wellbutrin again if I need to.

3. Be a bit more active.

4. Start taking Omega-3's again.

5. Register for the breast feeding class.

How do I make this happen?

1. Be more mindful of it. This isn't concrete enough, but I'm not sure how to make this more objective and measurable - state at least one need/want per day? Maybe.

2. Have to wait.

3. Go into work a bit later in the mornings - I just put in a request to my supervisor. At the very least I could walk Ripple and do some minor weights. Getting to the gym after work is not working.

4. Get some and make sure its okay with my doctor. Can't imagine why it wouldn't be.

5. Started.

The other facet, I think, of the way I've been feeling on and off for the last month or so, is this. When I have nightmares its about one of two things - either I forget to do something really, really important - like feeding an animal or attending a class and lest you laugh, the forgetting is months long, in my nightmares - so the animal dies or I get to the exam for the class and realize the hugeness of what I've forgotten. The other type of nightmare is a more physical one - where I can't get to something or away from something, physically. In those nightmares I end up yelling (in the dream) until I'm hoarse without anyone paying any attention to my yelling.

The way I've been feeling and acting lately is the first type of nightmare - the forgetting. Obviously not as seriously as forgetting to feed the pets, but about other things. (Although, except for Ripple's breakfast, S has take over all the pet care, so perhaps that's why I feel like I'm forgetting it). Like going to the library. And other things that, I think, would make me feel more engaged instead of so incredibly passive.

So - again, what to do? Be more active and engaged. Write things down so I don't forget them. There isn't anything wrong with that. Michelle said that during her pregnancy she had to remind herself to feed her middle child. If she can do that, I can certainly write down "Go to the library." "Go to the consignment shop." Etc. Etc. Etc.

As odd as it will feel, I think I also need to be more actively grateful for the wonderful things that are in my life. If that means listing them, then maybe that's a start - even if I can't make myself doing while I'm feeling so down, if I do it at other times, when I can, perhaps that will help. So:

I'm thankful for this baby, who is active and sweet and precious to me.
I'm thankful for my pets who offer unconditional love.
I'm thankful for my friends, the most fun and prettiest of whom are coming to MN in just a few weeks!
I'm thankful for my family who love me so very much.
I'm thankful for my neighbors.
I'm thankful for an article I saw in Sunday's paper that described a village in Kenya of just women who had started new and good lives for themselves after being raped and subsequently divorced by their husbands for the "shame" of it.

My baby is very active, and has been the past few days. I get flashes of really, really knowing he is there and waiting to be born. It still feels a bit unreal at times, though. I don't want to drift along, though - I want to know and understand and really think about this little boy who will be here soon.

More later. I'm feeling better.

***

I think I'm starting to be able to tell which of walnut's baby parts are which. Only from the outside, though - I've felt what I'm fairly sure is his head as well as his butt - the head feels hard and round, and his darling little butt feels softer and round. I love baby butts. I can't wait to have my very own! Ah, the years of psychiatric help my obsession may cause in walnut - all worth it, IMO.

I spoke with the triage nurse today at my clinic who pointed out that perhaps the increase in measurement was due to the way I'm carrying the baby right now. She said that my weight gain wasn't disproportionate larger to match the measurement so most likely I'm carrying more forwards and upwards. WHICH I AM. This makes so much sense and makes me wonder why my OB didn't suggest that. I called the triage line to make sure I was remembering my blood pressure measurement right - and I was - my B/P is 90/60. Excellent.