An email to my sister yesterday:

"Hi Stephie -

I'm feeling a bit panicky - so I thought I'd write you an email to get my feelings out.

So - S and I talked late yesterday afternoon and after several prods on my part he told me that he has been closet smoking and has been trying to quit - hence the perception of irritability that I was reading. I was glad he told me and honestly not upset about it. It helped to know he was going through that. I then told him I thought maybe he was having some "yishy" feelings about the physicality of birth. He seemed amazed that I would think that and assured me that that wasn't the case. He said he talked to his friend Jon (thank God, I thought) and asked him if there is any way to appreciate the miracle of birth when your wife is in so much pain. Jon assured him there was. S said he he'll be happy if he is any time bit of help at all (during birth). So - I guess I'm way off base there.

So, after that conversation, I felt about 100 times better and we had a good evening.

Today started off fine but has gone down hill. He is touchy and not interested in being near me. Which is okay if its because he is nic-fitting antsy, but not if he's not. And I'm done talking (to him, about Things). I've done all the talking I can stand to do. Any any gentle inquiry on my part is met with a polite shut down, so its just as well.

I'm sorry to dump my marital angst on you - and I know that you have the wisdom to be able to balance the great man he is most of the time with my occaisional frustrations. I know that's silly to say - like I'm saying, listen to me complain but don't really think badly of him (or me, by extension).

I told you about my body and gross I feel - what is extra strange is that I feel like making love, but don't want to because of the size of me - not just my belly which really gets in the way - but my whole body. So, its strange to be consistently ummm....amorous....but not wanting to act on it. Especially since I'm not feeling especially loving or close to the person I'd be sharing that with.

Anyway - I feel very heart-thumpy right now - anxious, I think. Upset.

I talked to mom today. She said she had talked to you and you had updated her on me. Thank you - please always feel free to do that. She says she doesn't remember ever losing her mind or losing total control of her emotions the way I am. I just think she is emotionally way more even-keeled than I am. Which is fine - I like that she doesn't imply I'm making it all up.

I am worried about having post partum depression - if there is any type of pre-disposition for it, I think I have it. Please keep an eye on me and if necessary, tell S to get me into see someone if I'm not responding to your concerns.

I wish I could have one of my escape weekends right now. But I can't do anything "naughty" so I don't think I will. And even though I thought that after you visited would be when I'd kick into gear baby stuff wise, I feel like its still too early. So, I'm in a strange sort of limbo.

Love you, sweetie - and thank you for letting me vent.

Lynnie"

Her response:

"Hi Lynnie,

I'm so sorry that the weekend didn't go well, especially given how
difficult it is to finally say what's on your mind and heart. I hope it
didn't bother you that I talked to mom. She called Saturday, very
worried about how you sounded. I think that some of her ability to be
so even keeled is also a by-product of her relationship with Dad. I can't
imagine mom having to give more than the stink eye and dad would obey
It's funny (?) that Steve was/is closet smoking... Either I
wondered or asked out loud (I don't remember which) when I was there if Steve
had stopped when you had. I guess my sense of smell is good except when it
come to smelling myself.... You never have to worry about me thinking
bad things about you or Steve. Does Steve know how difficult it is for
you to talk about Things? I don't picture him being particularly
comfortable initiating that kind of confrontation either so maybe he
can appreciate how hard it is.

I'm also glad that Steve isn't feeling yicky about birth, or the
physicality of it. I hope that it helps you know that even if you don't
feel so great in your skin right now, he isn't feeling uncomfortable
with your body and what will be happening soon. It is kind of funny
that you are feeling amorous without feeling amorous. Does that happen to
some/most women, or are you once again blessed with some kind of
orgasmic powers?

You are so in tune with your feelings and psychological processes, that
even if you did start to experience some depression, I'm sure you would
recognize it. And of course I will keep an eye on things and do
whatever I can to support both of you (or all three of you). Please don't
hesitate to ask for anything, and I mean it. Call in the middle of the
night if you can't sleep and want to talk and rant as much as you want
(even though it doesn't seem like ranting to me).

I love you and miss you.

Stephie"

I love my sister.

I "slept" (yes, I'm using that term very loosely) in the blue room (that's what I've always called it, even BW - before walnut) from about 1:30 on, because it got so very hot in our room. S turned the air off before bed. This is getting SO.VERY.OLD as an Issue.

Ripple and I went for our walk. I'm slowing down - we cover much less territory in our 30 minutes than we used to.

I think I forgot to mention in my hysteria over the doctor's appt that I'm measuring 35.5 cm fondal-lly (it could be a word) - which is 3.5 "ahead" of schedule. And the baby is facing downwards. The doctor could tell, and I meant to ask how she could tell, but I was too worked up about the weight issue. But - I can feel his hiccups very low down, so it makes sense he would be upside down. Poor baby hiccups all the time.

I'm going to get ready for work now.