I had a minor mind-blowout yesterday when I realized that as of this Friday, I will have only 3 weeks left until my due date. 3 weeks. Holy Family on Rollerskates (to mis-quote Rev) - 3 weeks. Until I have a child. Until S and I are parents. Until I have to go through labor and delivery and the entire shifting of my world. I shared this profound realization with S, who said, "Guess what's more?" "What?" "On Saturday, it'll be 2 plus weeks." This weekend I'll put the final touches on my hospital bag. S has his ready. Show off.

We had our last baby class last night. We practiced changing diapers and swaddling baby dolls. It sounds a bit silly, but it was very helpful. My mother reminded me that I changed at least 1/2 of Joel's diapers in Cameroun and they were cloth with acutal pins. So, disposables shouldn't be any trouble for me. It was so sweet to see how earnest all the fathers were about doing both (diapers and swaddling) correctly - I think that the fathers in our baby class have seemed more inquisitive and engaged than the mothers (except me - I have to do well in any class I'm in - what a dork). And we watched a video about how critical interaction with your infant is for many reasons, including actual physical and neurological brain development. It was a great way to end the class - with the focus being on how much you love your baby instead of how to do things "correctly."

I realized last night that one reason I'm apprehensive about not having any Braxton Hicks or practice labor is that I am having a hard time telling exactly what all the sensations I'm having in my abdominal area are - they could be a result of digestive activity (which give the space my stomach and intenstines are limited to is pretty noticeable), a result of just muscle and tendon fatigue from the weight and pressure of the baby, or a result of the baby's movements themselves. Its gotten harder and harder to sense the baby's movements from the inside - I think this is because there is so little space for him to work with and because my skin is stretched so tightly that there isn't tons of feeling there. So - I can see why I'm skeptical that anything I've felt are Braxton Hicks or that I'll KNOW when I start to have contractions.

I had really good day at work yesterday, even though I had yet another fun interaction with my coworker from hell - I'm learning to not back down to avoid a confrontation and to point out unacceptable behavior. Its a good skill for me to acquire. It was just one of those days where I felt fulfilled, validated, and that I did a great job without sacrificing my self respect.

I can't sleep. Its 4:48am.

I don't think I've mentioned in here that after talking to Mom and Dad, I'm actually hoping that the baby doesn't arrive until his due date. The Schaefers from France (friends from when we lived in Cameroun) will be visiting my parents in OKC from 10/22 to 11/5, and if the baby comes during that timeframe, then they will have to cart them up to MN with them. And I just don't want to deal with that. At any other point in time, I'd love to see Claude and Joceline, but not right now. Its bad enough that my parents have yet another foreign exchange student (Faruz from Serbia...?) who will be sharing this time in our lives. Ack, how ungenerous is that of me? Its one of the qualities I both love and resent about my parents - how open they are to others, how hospitable. But sometimes I just want it to be US. Especially with our first baby. I suppose it is nice to actually have a reason to want to wait until the due date - it may help with the impatience and wanting to tear my hair out feeling that I assume is coming.

S used the baby's name last night for the first time. It was very sweet. Have you noticed that everything is either VERY sweet or a GIGANTIC catastrophe right now? If I thought society could handle one more imposition on women (which it can't), I'd say that pregnant women should wear warning labels.

I think often about how challenging it will be to go from 2100 plus calories a day to 1700 - 1800 (assuming I can breast feed. If I can't it will be 1300-1500 and then lower). I've been relatively okay with caloric levels the last several weeks, although very bad about fat content. Its a big change to go from thinking "Oh, I'm at 1000 calories for the day - that's too bad, I only have 200-300 more" to "Oh, I've got ONLY 1000 calories for the day so far - that leaves me 1000 more!"

I've made the executive decision not to move fast any more. For some reason, this MO wasn't acceptable to me before now even though it could have been - I've been a whale for some time now. I just think I'm going to take life very slowly from here until the baby arrives. Let the world rush. If it takes me 10 minutes to go to the bathroom - so be it. Thank goodness my board of directors (S, Ripple, and the kitties) are here to pick up the slack.

I think I'll get ready for work now. Slowly.