I'm stealing a few minutes to write in here. Will is in his car seat next to me, eating and staring at his black and white book. I love watching him look at the book. His awareness of the world is growing daily. He turns very quickly towards our voices now - his eyes move much quicker. He smiles responsively - this makes me so happy. He is also gumming his bottle, which makes me think he is learning that he can explore things with his mouth. I ordered a baby massage book, and can't wait for that to come. His constipation has disapeared - he's pooped each day for the past 3 days.

Steph and I had a long heart to hear talk in my car in the Target parking lot yesterday. Well - I did most of the talking. I told her as best I could about all my deepest fears and rawest insecurites about my relationship with Will and S - as usual, she was a phenomenal listener - engaged, responsive, but only as much as I needed. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. Quite honestly, I don't want to articulate the fears and insecurites here - they are deeply personal and might be misunderstood, and I'm not sure I could describe them in writing in any coherent way.

Then we went to lunch, I had 3 beers and a smoke, and felt very rebelious. It was exactly what I needed. I enjoyed just sitting in the restaurant - talking to her about her phenomenal work at the UN (this is an amazing woman!), and listening to Top 40 music that I usually never listen to.

Unfortunately, later on that evening, S and I exchanged the most hurtful, unkind words we've ever exchanged. It shook me to my core - I was stunned. Later on, we were able to talk about it, talk it over, and apologize. We talked about most of the issues that led up to us having such an awful exchange and that discussion was good to have. We talked about how differently we think about the future, about how we think about each other and Will, about what we will have to do to make me working full time work for us, about how to be better at loving each other actively through these huge changes. He cried a bit, which was a relief, because if he hadn't, I don't know how I could've accepted his apology and remorse for he words he said. S never cries. As awful as that moment was, I do appreciate the way it made me value our day to day relationship - the safety and comfort and love that is there 99% of the time. It feels very important to me to not take that for granted, and these horrible moments help me do that. Strange, but true. Steph (Stephatto) said that one thing she wished she had been told is that no matter how strong your relationship is with your SO, it needs must change and adjust post baby - my experience has been that it is much richer and much harder.

I just dropped Stephie off at the airport. Next weekend we are going on the retreat for S's work - to a resort up north. I can't wait. I'm going to work out at the gym 3 times this week and do the elipse here at home the other 2 days.

My milk supply is down a bit - I think its because I only pumped twice yesterday, because I didn't want to pump after having those beers. The guidelines say do not feed your baby any milk that comes from you during the 4 hour period after a drink. After that, its fine. I'm going to try to get in 5 pumps today to help stimulate my production. Speaking of, I'm off to do that now.