I got back from Chicago about 1.5 hours ago. Will is beside me, eating, and getting ready to sleep. I've been snuggling him as much as he'll let me. I can't believe how different he looks in just a few days. His eyes and hands seem huge to me. I've gotten several smiles out of him, which releives me, for some reason. Because it means he forgives me for being gone?

This morning I could tell I'm on a "down slope" - a dip - so I'm very thankful I have an appointment tomorrow with my NP to begin taking Wellbutrin again. Nothing is a magic bullet, but I need my head above water so that the dips aren't so low. When Steve went up to nap and I was holding Will, I found myself beginning to dwell on my worries about leaving Will to work, and my body image issues, and guilt about how unhealthy I was this weekend, concern about going back to work, etc. etc. etc. and I caught myself - realizing a plunge for what it was/is. I was able to stop a bit and think about how wonderful this weekend was, and how I can tackle my other worries either a) some other day or b) one by one. I'm still uneven, but I feel a bit better than I might have if I hadn't realized my thought pattern.

The unfortunate thing is - I trust the validity of my depressed thoughts FAR more than the validity of my happy thoughts - if something is wrong, its me. If something is right, its a fluke/luck/total chance. This makes many things difficult because you suspect your depressed thoughts are the real/true/factual ones, when of course they aren't. Or at least not to the degree I think they are.

This weekend was so much fun. I got some sleep, and my shoulder un-hunched a bit. I can't believe how refreshing it was to see my girlfriends. I feel rejuvinated.

Tiffany is so very intelligent. Its incredibly sexy. Very open and personable, and ready to laugh. She was a generous hostess and I'm thrilled to have met her. Fortunately, Tiffany hadn't booked this Saturday with, um, other activities.

Alicia - the person I think of telling things that I'd never tell another living soul. I don't always get around to actually telling her these things, but I think about it, and it just makes me feel warm that there is a person I could tell These Things to. I loved her, her house, and her man. And her taste in owls and Jesus Bobblehead dolls.

Amy - is so sweet - she makes me feel safe, somehow. I don't know whether to be sad or thankful that I didn't know her at a more wild point in my life. I suspect we might have been and caused Trouble. 'Cuz who needs panties?

Patti - her laugh may be the best thing ever. She is clever and funny - and has now learned how to rush off big city trains like an expert before the doors close. Especially if she can irritate Courtney in the process by announcing the door closings.

Courtney - the responsible, beautiful cruise director, who couldn't pass up the chance for a Heimleich. Because, as is I.O., it won't Heimleich itself. I LOVE that there is love coming to Courtney.

And Dawn - thank goodness I got to meet her. She is the sexy Wisconsinite you wish you had as a neighbor. You'd never know she went to Catholic school. Or would confuse Pecker with Packer.

So - if I can calm myself down enough to tackle my anxieties - my body, my return to work, and my relationships with Will and Steve. My body is easy enough - I'm back to my regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. Short of total body lipo, that's all I can do at this point. My return to work - that I can' t really tackle until I get there. But I can think about how it might be and think of possible solutions to problems that might arise. My little trio of love - just keep loving each other and try to take care of myself so that I can focus as much or more on them than on myself.