This blog is of little use to me if I'm not fairly honest in here about the events in my life.

So, my confession is this. I hit Will this weekend, on his knee, in anger. It makes me tear up just writing those words out.

The context (not the excuse - the context) was this.

Over the last two months, he has sporadically taken to kicking out his legs while being changed. We do not have a changing table for him, so this means that we are either on the ground or on a bed and are directly in front of him, versus to his side. We've been very consistent about discouraging the kicking, but to little avail. So - yesterday I had him on the bed and since he tends to kick when both Steve and I are together (vs alone with him), I didn't even think to watch for it. He kicked me. Hard. On my stomach.

I hate being hit or touched with even mild force when I don't expect it. I hate it PASSIONATELY. I go from 0 to rage-filled in no time flat when this happens in general. Add to that the fact that I'm pregnant and my entire being is centered on protecting my uterus/stomach and my unborn baby. So I hit Will's leg and yell at him, "No!" I was sobbing within 5 seconds. It’s a horrible feeling. I've had it before, but I haven't ever hit him in this type of blind rage. He didn't cry, so I don't believe I caused him pain - or not much anyway (he's not a crier in general when hurt, so it’s not a fool-proof guage). I continued with the change, crying myself, not making eye contact with him, and just trying to get myself under control. Will was confused and uncertain about my behavior.

About 10 minutes later, I told Steve about the incident. Steve knows my struggle to contain my temper when hit. He held me while I cried, and said the things I needed to hear. I'm appreciative beyond words that he can do this for me, since I do not know how I would respond if I were in his shoes. This - my temper - is my biggest struggle as a parent. I haven't figured out a magic bullet, but I at least I will not change him while his shoes are on any longer, nor will I ever stand in front of him again while I'm doing it.

I don't believe for a moment that it is rational to expect Will not to hurt me when I hurt him in response. I realize that. But, I can't reason with him over this either. He is very smart and generally very compassionate, but over this issue, he verges on pathological disregard for the effects of his actions.

The above happened on Sunday. It left me feeling hallow and sad.

After my comments in my last entry about feeling so good, my body rebelled. I think Turtle must have been in a very odd position for most of the weekend, because t I felt some fairly uncomfortable pressure in my lower abdomen and a dull ache in my very lower back. She must have relocated yesterday morning, because both sensations subsided. I remember the headaches with Will, and had two this weekend.

Steve and I struggle with our roles, vis a vis each other and our home and our child and our pets, at times. I think all parents do to some degree, but I think our challenge is - what - unique, because he is the partner who stays home with Will and also maintains our home. This means there are areas of conflict about who does what and how those things get done - which there can be when it’s the wife/mom that stays home, although I tend to think there is less conscious thought given to the issue since it appears to be expected that the stay-at-home-mom be overworked and under-appreciated. At least that's the message I get from society and some other mothers.

We try to be pre-emptive of issues, but sometime we just can't. We had an unpleasant conversation on Sunday morning resulting from one of cats peeing on the carpet. This event is practically unheard of in my lifetime with my two cats. But, Steve found it, and cleaned it, and apparently this was the straw the broke the camel's back. He ranted about the cats for several minutes, citing their tendency to throw up, their scratching of furniture, the changing of litter, etc. I felt blind-sided and told him so. I also felt criticized - since I brought them into our marriage. I said I would be happy to assume responsibility for all the cat-chores, but that he had to accept that I wouldn't do things the way he does. (ie you can't complain out of both sides of your mouth). We were able to resolve the event and our feelings about it by the time we got to our friends' house for brunch, which is progress - ie it didn't turn into an epic drama.

So, I'm back at work. It’s Monday, and for once I don't have back to back meetings.

I did 10 minutes on the Ellipse this morning and some mild weights. It was hard, but I'm glad I did it.

Will made me laugh last night as we were singing "sonks" (songs) before bed. He has taken to requesting specific songs. Example - "seep" (sheep) so we do "Old McDonald had a farm..." but then he kept saying "fun." I couldn't, and can't, figure out which song is the "fun" song. I went through my entire repetroire. I want to figure this out.

I am enjoying watching his sense of humor evolve. One song we sing is "Jesus loves me" but instead of "Jesus loves me, this I know" I say "Mama loves me, this I know" or "Daddy" or "Ripple." When I sing about Ripple, I say "Ripple loves me, this I know. 'Cuz she always barks me so..." and he laughs and laughs. I do the same with the cats. It delights me that this delights him.