My mother has been diagnosed with the chronic version of Guillan Barre, called “Chronic Inflammatory Demylenating Polyneuropathy.” In the short term it means she has to have regular immunoglobulin infusions. Long term, it means she may never have normal use of her legs and hands again unless she response well to the continued treatment. I think I’d be be more optimistic about it if it hadn’t already been dragged out so long and discouragingly (her back pain masking the GB symptoms for months, then acute onset of the GB, and partial recovery, then slowly a return of the numbness and tingling, then the new diagnosis.)I just KNEW it was more than GB. Strange how you just KNOW some things when it comes to loved ones, even hundreds of miles away.

When I was growing up, I remember my parents frequently mentioning how we had to be thankful for good health, almost above all else. I think that’s true, because if you don’t feel well, everything is affected. I feel so badly for her. She is doing okay, emotionally, but is naturally sad. She is still able to come up to MN for Ellen’s dedication, though, at the beginning of June, which I’m grateful for. My poor Mama.

I had a good weekend with the babies. I had a play date on Saturday morning, and we had Parents Night Out on Saturday night. Steve was exhausted so dinner was fairly quiet. He got some type of food poisoning later on, which made for a long night for him. On Sunday we played outside and went to church. Will has such a fan-following at church. Precious monkey.

Last night my pride was bruised a bit and my heart broke some. I told Steve I wanted to make a real commitment to sustaining our marriage right now during this difficult time. He politely but firmly told me that we have enough to worry about without worrying about our marriage. He indicated that he felt that just surviving each day is taking a lot of effort – he specifically said that dealing with Will’s inability to be around us both without acting up, and lack of sleep where his challenges. I don’t think he meant to seem AS cold and “don’t pressure me” as he seemed to me, but there you have it. I said that I thought that just smiling at each other at the end of the day, or sharing an occasion laugh was all I was really looking for, since neither of those things were coming naturally to me or to us. I said I would give the “put it on hold” approach some thought – all or nothing comes more easily to me than “sort of”s and “not now but later”s. You never want to say to your beloved, “You know, I’ve been through the dissolution of a marriage before” but it was hard to keep from going there. I just don’t think it would be helpful at this point. Do I wish Steve approached things differently sometimes? Yes. Does he try very hard to take care of me and the babies? Yes. So, I need to think about whether or not I can give him the emotional space to “just survive” for right now. I can see where that would be a gift – to think, no matter how hard things get, I get to trust that Lynn will be there for me at the end of it. So, its hardly unreasonable request within the covenant of a marriage. I need to make sure I can do it lovingly and deliberately and mindfully, but I don’t know what it really means to him, on a daily basis – I suspect it means just not talking about it, but I think I need to ask.