This turned into a dump of feelings and thoughts, which are a bit of a downer.

Feeling flushed. Am I sick, or peri menopausal? I hate not knowing what is going on with my body. I feel tricked by it. I am tired of the night sweats. So far they haven’t hit me during the day, but this month they were bad at night.

I am also anxious. Especially about Ellie. Also a bit about Steve. Not sure why about Steve, although we’ve had some ups and downs this summer. With Ellie its that she is so sensitive, and doesn’t seem to enjoy actual school work very much. She generally likes the social aspect of it, but she felt singled out by her teacher in a negative way which made her very unhappy and embarrassed. She is easily distracted, although very capable when she tries.

I am upset with myself, because of my bad habits involving sleep, food, drink. I wish I could get away from the moral aspect/self-judgement because I don’t think that helps. I wish so much I could go back to the days of early to bed early to rise. Now my body wants the opposite and I can’t accommodate it since I want to be up for the kids and of course work. I feel chronically underslept, but it has become virtually impossible to make myself get in bed at night at a decent hour. So it has become a vicious cycle. I generally sleep well once I’m asleep – its getting myself to actually be asleep that is the problem.

I feel a bit empty. Maybe that is because law school and the bar are done, my promotion took effect, and so now I don’t know what to look forward to. I have thought of trying to do some pro bono work.

I ran 10 miles yesterday. My longest run ever. It wasn’t my best pace, but pretty good for being so long. I don’t exercise as regularly as I should, but I have enjoyed running when I do do it. I try to do some weights at least once and sometimes twice a week. With my f’ed up sleep, though, it makes getting up early very difficult.

I am anxious about my weight – the more I think about hormonal changes, the more I know that losing weight will become virtually impossible as time goes on. You would think it would like a fire under me, and I have all the resolutions in the world but they fall apart more often than not. I would love so much to lose 10 pounds. I don’t think that is an unreasonable amount and would put me a good weight for my height. I want to resolve to lose the 10 lbs before the end of this year. Four months. It would be 2.5 lbs per month which isn’t impossible, although no slam dunk given how slowly it comes of my short body.

I was doing okay for a while not actually logging but I think I’ll go back to logging. Food anyway.

In a funk for sure.