Where are my tools for handling my anxiety? Gone. I'm so mad. And have been for the past three days. All work related. This is so dangerous because I do not want to upset the good name I’ve made for myself here but I can't barely, barely keep my temper. I had to walk out yesterday at noon because I knew I would rip someone apart.

So much for not letting my emotions get the better of me - I've experience the crying part of pregnancy moods, but not this anger. Rage.

This is the problem - I so very intensely resent the expectations I assume are there of me when I'm not give the tools, information, or support to get things done. I hate it SO much.

I don't know what to do. I can't leave again.

From an email to friends who helped me remember who is important. (Thank you, Patti):

These hormones ARE insane - I finally get all the stories I've heard now about pregnancy insanity. Only, I don't think its technically insanity - b/c I still know right from wrong. I just do not give a flying @@#$%$#% which one it is.

Poor walnut - he's heard more swearing and foul language from his mama in the last two days that in his entire 21 week old life total. He does help me gain some perspective on things, though, which is very, very good for me. Its not that nothing else matters, because that isn't true - at all - but if I had to weigh walnut against an irritating work environment, walnut wins every time. This is such a anxiety-reducing thought for me, I can't even explain. And I don't want to be one of those irritating people who claim that you don't know anything 'til you have kids, or that life is somehow empty without them, because I don't think that's true - its just that for me, my self, my mind, my psyche, my heart is much enriched by walnut so far and I haven't even properly met him yet. He is already giving me a balance I've been without for so long and looked for in so many other places.