I checked out Anna Karenina on CD from the library, and am listening to it during my commute. I’m an English Major with a big whole where the classics should be. While not necessarily a true literary classic, I listened to the full Middle Earth trilogy on CD which I would probably never have gotten through on paper. So, we’ll see how Anna Karenina goes. So far, its well written and interesting. (I’ve listened to fluff on CD, too, like Dan Brown’s Deception Point and The First Wives Club – its good mental break). While I usually listen to MPR and NPR during my long drives, during election season I can’t stand the anxiety and frustration and general disquiet I feel hearing election news, so I tend to turn away from public radio during those months.

***

I think I’ve come to question central to my life – that may always be central to my life. It is: How much of my self-doubt is based on reality and real/actual failings (ie that as a person I really am flawed enough to need constant doubt) and how much is my perception of it.

I find myself saying to myself things like:

“Well – you didn’t naturally rise to the occasion in XYZ situation, it took seeing someone else’s example for you to perform/respond in a manner you could be proud of”; and

“Left to your own devices after a particular hard time, you just got drunk instead of fight up and out”; and

“Your career has been an accident of circumstances – it wasn’t a plan executed on, it was just what happened”; and

“You couldn’t have a baby naturally and you didn’t really enjoy pregnancy or birth that much – that must be why you struggle with motherhood.”

I vacillate between accepting that the reality is that I’m just a lucky, sub-mediocre person, or that I’m a special, inherently worthwhile person who doesn’t always make the right choices. Does that make sense? The two are very different things to me. Drastically different things.

What I do firmly believe to be true is that unless and until I see myself firmly in the “special but some bad choices” department, my sense of myself won’t ever rise above where it is now and where its been my whole life.

***
I had realization the other day – being someone who has always and probably will always struggle with her weight to some degree, it gets discouraging to think that the lessons I need to (apparently) learn and relearn are those that face a person just starting out in the weight loss/weight maintenance journey. I’ve received (and sought) an education over the past few years in nutrition, healthy habits, exercise, etc., but that alone without implementation doesn’t do much.

Examples:

I need to relearn that I can’t, just can’t make good choices at restaurants. I know some people can – PattiXoXo is one who does it very well, but I can’t. So, unless I have room in my caloric bank, I shouldn’t eat out. Period.

I need to remember that the work week routine is critical for me. Just working from home one day a week has really thrown me off. I’ll need to plan ahead better for those days.

I think I need to cut down on processed food. As someone who wouldn’t say she knows her body very well, I’m starting to suspect that age is forcing me to know my body better – it was a huge revelation to me that Diet Coke was causing my headaches. That’s never been the case before. I’m still experience insomnia – that has also never been the case before. So, I need to drastically rethink my physical self and my health habits, which means thinking about things I’ve never worried about before such as the amount of processing going into what I choose to eat.

***

Monkey has an ear ache. He said, "Go to doctah, make-ah feeyull much-a more bettah." Poor button. I think Steve is going to take him in. Ear aches make me incredibly nervous - a friend of mine had a son who's incorrectly treated ear infection left him developmentally disabled for life.