Its one of those dark November days that make me want to crawl back in bed for a long nap. No one else is here in the office this week, so it has been very slow. And its only Tuesday. There’s only so much self-created work I can do. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately – since I attended a baby shower for a colleague from my last job with a slew of previous coworkers. Its such a contrast in work environments, and it makes me question my mission and setup here. I think I’ve done what I should by letting it be known that I have room to take on additional duties. I don’t want to keep pushing that in case it is perceived in a negative light. There are a few items I could try to take on, but honestly, they aren’t in the areas I’m passionate about, so its hard to find much motivation to pursue them. The two areas I could try to take on are taking our database to the next step and doing some filing work with the state DOIs. I’m torn. I want my career and position here to have meaning, but it is pretty mundane and drab at the moment. And on the other hand, I feel fortunate to have a job that keeps our family safe and secure. Its hard to complain too much in this economy, when I have benefits for my family and a good retirement plan.

Because I have room in my work load to think – I get very tangled up in my thoughts. I am NOT a woman who needs more time to think.

Speaking of being a thinking woman, I’m reading a compilation of essays from Salon.com called “Mothers Who Think” – I’ve been laughing and crying my way through it. Very well written and SO refreshingly honest. The foreword decries the urge of some mothering magazines to put all childrearing issues into 10 point lists and bulleted solutions. “Chirpy” was the word used, which made me laugh as its very true. Anyway, these articles from Mothers Who Think are about everything from losing a child to childbirth stories to being the mother of an older child, and what is like when the second one comes. The loneliness and courage of so many mothers – it floors me and sobers me. I have back up (and front up) in my husband. I may not have a mom around, but I have room to breathe for myself in addition to breathing for my children. I am so lucky. I cannot imagine involuntarily going it alone. God bless single mothers. And single fathers.

I’ve had strange/intense dreams that last few nights. One involved Will and Ellen being taken away from me. Steve didn’t exists, and somehow I had previously agreed that someone else should care for Will and Ellen, but when it came time to hand them over, I just started screaming and screaming, and wouldn’t let go of them. Will was his current size, in the dream, but Ellen was the size of a mouse and fit into a jewelry box. She kept sliding around in the box. Fortunately, in the dream, I was able to keep both of them, and decided to live in Africa because the cost of living would be low and I would be able to afford a nanny and household help. Those kinds of nightmares don’t usually end up happily, so this was nice, even though it was so frightening in the dream. I can’t believe I didn’t actually scream in my sleep.

The other dream was that I was having an affair with Barack Obama. (I wonder how many women are having that dream this week in America – how pedestrian of me!). Again, Steve didn’t exist, so I wasn’t betraying anything on my side (how so very upright of me, yes?). We snuck away to a coastal town to a multistoried house, and hid away inside for a short timeframe. And ate cookie dough. Then I drove home in the dark. Very strange.

Got to thinking last night as I couldn’t sleep about my motivations for weight loss. To be frank, its never been about health for me. I worry that someday I will need to do something for my health, and it won’t be easy because that just doesn’t motivate me….my motivation is vanity and cosmetic in nature. Is that bad? I don’t know – it doesn’t seem nearly as worthy or long-term a reason as health. The key thing is, though, that that motivation is what works for me. So I can’t badmouth it too much.

I’ve had a number of people comment on my weight loss lately (which is telling, because massive amounts haven’t been shed – it goes to show how just a few pounds on a short person makes a huge visual difference) and I’ve found myself answering “starvation” to the question of “how are you doing it?” That answer is a bit exaggerated – I eat 1200 5x per week, 1300 1x per week, and have a totally free day on Saturday. I try to get in 3 – 4 workouts a week. So, it isn’t really starvation, it just feels that way some days. I think, though, that this is pretty much the only route that works for my body. The net approach doesn’t work for me, similar to Connie and Jay.

I’m going to approach maintenance differently this time, I think. I might make maintenance a variation on my weight loss plan – do 1600 6x per week, and leave myself a completely free day. Then I have to be accountable for what I eat most of the time, but still get a totally free day. Or, 1500 5x per week plus two free days. I don’t know for sure yet. What I do know is that I don’t want to go through this weight-loss again. I don’t think I’m going to have any more children, so I won’t need to take off pregnancy weight, which is a nice thought. It really will be matter of remaining accountable for what I eat 80%ish of the time. A lifetime of tracking my consumption…it isn’t fun, but I can’t trust myself not to. It’s the price of living in a time (and in a life) of plenty.

I’ve been more social lately, which is good for me. I’ve been pretty proactive about setting up lunches with girlfriends and playdates for Will. I think I want to have a holiday party, but am not sure I can talk Steve into it. The challenge is kids- most of our friends have children, and as a parent who hasn’t yet hired babysitter, I don’t want to “make” people find someone to watch their kids, so we’d want to invite kids too which just means having enough toys and space for them to freak out in. We’ll see…