I'm testing my emotional waters to see if I am ready to come out of the dark.

I've shared with many of you that I miscarried, but I know there are some friends that I haven't told. In self protection mode, I told as many people as I could in as short a timeframe as I could so I wouldn't have to repeat it or feel ambushed by someone who didn't know I'd lost the baby. At the time that seemed the only way to go. I don't feel quite so vulnerable now.

Physically, I'm doing well. I had a D&C last Monday. The hospital staff took such amazing care of me that I almost didn't mind that S wasn't with me. Or anyone from my daily life. Almost. The doctors and nurses were compassionate and kind, and I was relieved to 'only' have sedation and not general anesthesia. I slept through the procedure, which I'm thankful for, and I am finally feeling more like myself physically. I was even able to stop some medication early because I have healed so quickly.

Emotionally - I'll have a few good days and then get hit with it all over again and fall apart for a while. Repeat. There are also other things weighing on me - related, but not the miscarriage itself - that I think I will keep to myself for now. So its hard to know where one grief ends and another begins.

Am trying to work myself back into an exercise routine as I know that may help my mind and heart and body. Am just doing 20 minutes in the morning but I feel fine starting with that. I am pretty weak, unfortunately. Working out at lunch just isn't working for me, so mornings it is. Eating isn't going very well, but I am going to start with one or two things and work from there. Am about 6-7 lbs above where I want to be. Some of that will come off post-D&C, but most of it is 'real' weight.

Am looking forward to some time in a few weeks by myself at a friend's cabin, just a few hours north of here.